Strive to be happy......but

ok finding it hard to type today, eveything in my body is aching and i feel so stiff..... i'm realy not even sure whats going on with me at the moment, i'm tired ALL the time! i don't have any energy and i seem to of slipped behind on ALL my work and have no where near enough time to catch up, so i've fucked up the rest of my like because i'm scared of food, what the fuck, why do i have to have this stupid problem, meh in a weird way i like the feeling of it because i know i don't HAVE to eat to be happy, but then when i try to eat and i just can't i feel like i have no control, god i must sound like a broken record


Mark and i are totally SORTED no more talk of break ups *little dance* he happens to mean more to me than i thought he did, the idea of losing him is just to hard to cope with then i realised that oh my god this boy is my life, i love him so much and recently it has been better than ever, he has been treating me like a princess and i'm starting to think i don't even deserve it.

Summer is coming and just the thought of that brings a smile to my face but a worry in my mind, summer = beach and beach = bikinis, its not the same as being on holiday, on holiday you don't know anyone and won't see them ever again so i don't feel like such a fat blob! but on the beach by my house i know pretty much everyone and i will see them all again, i can't let them see me in a bikini but it's bloody stupid going onto the beach with jeans and a jumper, i hate sorongs too, the cling and it is just stupid! other than that i CAN NOT wait for the summer, beach parties (in the evening. better = more clothes) spending RELAXING time with my friends, parties, drinking, EVERYTHING! i REALLLLLY can not wait it is going to be amazing, anyway thats enough of a rant from me today speak again soooooon live journal (hopefully)

Today looks hopefull! i had a good nights sleep (may i add the first in a LONG time) this is going to be a short entry I PROMISE this time. this is really random but my eyelashes seem really short today....

I can't wait for my cousin to come over she makes me smile without having to do anything, just being here makes me smile! makes me feel like i'm human it's crazyness! list of things i must buy for my pampering session

1) bath salts / bath bombs
2) face packs
3) celulite packs <- hahahah
4) Moisturiser
5) palmers body gloss sheen
6) Fake tan
7) new handbag <- okay not pampering-ish but i still deserve one, a new GREEN one!

thats it for today love love love

i really feel isoclated no one seems to care, i'll be talking to some one and they'll walk off mid sentance or just start chatting to someone else, no one cares that i have this problem i've tried talking to them and they are just like CORSE WE LISTEN! then walk off, yeah seems like it, this sounds pathetic but i'm really screaming for some attention here and no one is giving it to me, i have no friends my boyfriend hates me, my mum is like the only person in the world who does listen and she is like 51 so she doesn't really understand what i'm going through, but at least she is there for me i guess.

i feel like this problem is all that is me, maybe if i wasn't so fat i'd have more friends? my boyfriend wouldn't hate me? i'd have more confidence so wouldn't come across as so i don't know quiet?! the sad thing is the only way i can really let out how i feel is on the internet!?!? what does that make me, the only people willing to give me even a smige of their time is people i don't even know and they don't even know me, maybe when they got to know me they would hate me too, i'm worhtless, i''m nothing, why wasn't i born one of those rich beautiful girls everyone knows and hates so much! i could deal with being hated through jealousy but being hated by EVERYONE for no reason really fucks with your mind you know? i'm not a nerd(not that there is anything wrong with those) i'm not a slag / druggie / drunk / bitch / greasy person lol i'm normal to look at except for my rolls of flab which i can imagine isn't the nicest thing to look at...

i'm tired, emotionally, physically drained i fed up of crying myself to sleep, of crying when i wake up i have no tears left, or at least when i feel i haven one left out come some more........i can't even purge anymore, it was always so hard so painful so near impossable, but it stop my fat body digesting anything, but now i can't purge i try so hard and nothing NOTHING happens no matter how far down my fingers go.

my doctor called me yesterday telling me to go on anti depressents, urm no! i don't wana rely on pills to make me happy! i just really don't understand why everyone is trying to make my life so difficult, i don't want anti depressents i don't want to be fat, i don't want to cry anymore........

ended up eating dinner last night (mother thought it be fun to force me) fish in a wholemeal roll, didn't even purge how stupid am i?!!?!

not gona be a hugely long post today (hopefully) so far today i have only eaten wholemeal toast and a fruit yoghurt hopefully nothing else for me today but tea and water.......i'm not happy with my lack of self control it's bloody rediculas i sound like a broken record i always say the same thing everyday. maybe i have nothing else in my mind but food and not eating it!!

i looked long and hard at myself today and really wtf is going on i used to be skinny well slim, well smaller but now coz of winter and christmas i ate loads and got so incredibly fat!!

WHAT THE FUCK is wrong with this world a 16 - 20 year old man raping an 11 year old girl in sainsburys toilets!!!!! some men need to get smacked repetedly then dragged into the road and had stones thrown at their head until they die slowly and VERY painfully! fucking sick bastard that sorta thing really upsets me! why would you harm another human being like that I HATE PEOPLE! bunch of sick twats, why would you do that to people why why why why.........i know i'm not making sense but thats horrific, i really wish rapists just didn't exsist this really does make me wana destroy myself, i hate that i'm living in a world like this, she was 11 and now you have gone and fucked up the rest of her life, what do you think your doing? do you think your god?!?!?! well if there was a god this sorta thing wouldn't of happened! child abuse, rape, murder, what kind of world is this really??

if my child (if i was going to have children) but anyway if my child got raped i would findthe rapist myself and make him pay! grrrrr

anyway on a happier note i finally had a good nights sleep and i didn't go into school again today hehehehe too deaf lol.

okay so starting my second fast, gona be hard but i have to do this, i really hate this, i'm home alone away from school because of my right ear and being alone my hunger pains are coming on stronger than ever this is driving me mad.......

i need to loose weight for my prom, but then i'd have to get my dress taken in, but that would be a reward in itself. I hate being so fat, because i'm so short i carry my weight terribly i look like a big blob of flab. even my BOYFRIEND said i was fat and should lose weight, hmmmmm nice?! well to be honest i know i should lose weight but you don't want to hear that sort of thing from your so called lover who is meant to except and love you for who you are but i guess he is with me because what is on the inside past all the flab but i still don't want to hear that my own boyfriend doesn't find me attractive, why go out with me in the first place dip shit?!?! been together a year and a half and all of a sudden it's a great big problem........

any school, woop de doo, not doing hugely well there, had far too much time off, i have been so ill with loads of different problems, ear for one, a had a problem with my stomach due to starvation, depression and for some reason my doctor decided to tell my mum to keep me under CONSTANT supervision because i'm "suicidle" okay thats a pile of shit, i'm not, i wouldn't want to die fat, the last image any one would have of me is a great big pile of depressed crap, no when i die i will be slim and people will remember me as beautiful........


omg if it wasn't for music i don't have a clue where i'd be it's crazy music seems to drown out the sound of my hunger, diet coke is amazing too, anyway i've typed for far too long, and luckily i'm a quick typer but it still hurts my fingers.......

lollll isn't the Jeremy Kyle show amazing, such druggies on that show, going on about text's messages and affairs, jesus people get it togther, you were married once upon a time, get some civilasation (urm sorry can't spell) apperently !!!!!!! none of them have any money urm so how do you buy all the drugs then dippy prats......

this show makes me feel relativly normal. having an ed is like having a diesase (sorry i can't spell i know i'm stupid) a problem that consumes every inch of my being, but then i see fat people winging about that fact they can't lose weight, then i feel greatful for it, crazy i know, jesus i'm not typing any more, speak soon everyone bon voyage ?! lol xx

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!!!???? why am i sucha great ball of lard. this is rediculas i can't believe how fat i've gotten! i feel so empty yet so fat. i want to cut the fat from my bones i hate myself 150% FAT i bet my BMI is like 700 grrrrrr i hate myself